Sharing My Heart and Starting Again at Blogging
It's been a tough past few years for me. I thought I'd experienced loss and disappointments prior to the end of 2020, however, I experienced loss at another level in the past couple of years. I was challenged in my identity and what I believed and what I thought I knew about life and my values and my beliefs. I had the opportunity to reconnect with my family and hoped that we'd reconcile and just have a closer more healthy relationship. I'd gotten the opportunity to get to know my dad for the first time as I depended on him. I moved in with him in my hometown after suffering from financial hardship in another city. I'd also met a man and grew close to him. I married him, only to realize that he fit the description and character traits of a covert narcissist. None of these relationships ended up offering reciprocal support, respect, and genuine love. This shouldn't have been a huge surprise to me because I grew up in a dysfunctional home and those unhealthy relationship dynamics were still playing out. I hadn't even known my dad prior to him inviting me to live with him and he wasn't a part of my life growing up. I was also aware of some red flags in my romantic relationship that was disappointing, however, he was a believer and reassured me that he was working through things and had a lot of biblical knowledge. He also said all the right things. He was very charming and manipulative.
But, there were silver linings throughout this time as I settled in to my hometown. I really grew to love it there and I met some really good people in my work places, but the biggest blessing was the church that I believed God led me to. It was a very welcoming church and the pastor is a man of integrity and super down to earth and relatable. I'd felt at home with most of the church members, however, as my desire to serve and get more involved grew, so did my feelings of obligation and responsibilities to my family and the man that I married. I felt like I was expected to be so much and do so much in addition to my attempts to balance working, pursuing a license to practice law, and caring for my son. I eventually realized that I was taking on more burdens through familial and relational expectations and didn't feel that same support in return. It felt like it was all a huge distraction from everything the Lord was putting on my heart and leading me to do. I kept fighting for those relationships because I never felt like I truly belonged and was a part of a family. I'd moved a lot and lost connections with so many over the years and after graduating from law school and becoming a single mother, I also lost touch with my peers who were going in a different direction. I wanted a community with those closest to me. I wanted peace and unity within my family. I wanted that with the man I married as well, and I believed that we could have that because of our shared Christian beliefs. Even so, it all began to fall apart in my career, in my relationships, and in my emotional health. So, the Lord showed me my fragile condition and allowed me to see how little my family and the man I married cared for me when I had nothing else to offer and when I was at my lowest point. He led me to separate and I did when I couldn't take the pressure and pain anymore.
Moving On
I was faced with the reality of the fact that I had to move on from those relationships. That was hard for me, but what was even harder was how I came to that conclusion. It's not easy to deal with the shock of betrayal from those who are supposed to love you and support you, especially when they are not showing any concern for you when you need them the most. That level of rejection, desperation, and loneliness is hard to describe. Additionally, I was dealing with the guilt and shame of prioritizing these dysfunctional relationships over my relationship with God, my values, my son (because he needed his mom and shouldn't have been a witness to dysfunction) and my physical, mental and emotional health. It has been a process, but it's also been freeing to know the truth and where I stood in those relationships. It's freeing to know that I loved and gave my all to be there for my family and the man I married regardless of whether it was good enough for them or not. It's also freeing to know that the Lord was with me guiding me through those transitions. He was helping me to face unhealthy mindsets and helping me to process through it all. He also opened doors for me and brought people into my life to speak into my life and heart after all the trauma I faced. He is always faithful and I struggled with feeling unworthy of that kind of love and mercy and grace. I had been so desperate to build a life and to belong that I wasn't faithful to God and made Him feel like He wasn't enough. I felt rejected, but I wasn't accepting His place in my life either. I wasn't allowing Him to lead me and guide me to walk with Him to meet my needs or allow Him to bring me the desires of my heart. Still, He was faithful.
It's amazing that kind of love. A God who would still be there and choose to help us, support us, encourage us, and protect us even when we run from Him. That kind of love and forgiveness really reminds us that no matter how those around us mistreat us or betray us that we have no reason to hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness, or wrath. Experiencing that kind of forgiveness can set us free and give us peace to let go of it all. No matter how big of a case we think we have against someone, we are all capable of betraying each other's trust, being unfaithful, etc. Yet, the healing process and walking through forgiveness wasn't easy. We still have memories, experiences, lost dreams and have to lay down expectations of others. The most disappointing reality for me was the way that the man I married responded to my decision to separate after his unwillingness to repent and be the husband he vowed to be. The manipulation, deception, and the games he played were shocking. Even so, what is more shocking to me was that he wouldn't take responsibility for his actions and cared more about keeping up an appearance than how he'd hurt me. Moreover, he began provoking me so it'd look like I was the one walking away without cause. Regardless of all of that, knowing that God knows and sees is enough. It's been over a year since I made the decision to separate and since I've communicated with him. That was another shocking thing. I still prayed and lifted the matter of the legal marriage to God for several months until I believe I came to the realization that it was a lie for my legal husband. He didn't love me and I married a man who was not who he portrayed himself to be. He was a stranger and he wasn't genuinely for me.
Starting Again
So, I'm starting again. That is my update. I've made posts to my YouTube faith channel beginning with this video you can find by clicking here and I've even shared some vlogs on my other channel documenting a little of my process of relocating. I have more clips to edit and hope to be more consistent on both of my channels. I will leave the links in case anyone is interested in the video diaries. It was my goal to start sharing more and writing more across my social media platforms at the beginning of the year, but it hasn't been easy with relocating and trying to balance being a single mom and work, etc. I've also been fighting insecurities, self doubt, and trying to overcome the blow to my confidence that I experienced with my life and relationships falling apart as it did. But, I'm in a better place. I'm thankful to have peace at home with my son and discovering that peace with God and in my relationship with my son is enough. I'm thankful for that and I'm thankful that God has allowed me to get to this place within myself, even if where I am in my life is not as impressive to others on the outside.
So, with all that, I hope you have enjoyed this post and I pray that all is well with your soul today. Know that God knows where you are right now and sees you and knows how to get you to a better place. A place of peace within yourself and with Him. Where you are true to who you are and your values, and your life is a reflection of that. No matter if you have been unfaithful, He is faithful. No matter if you've run so far that you don't know how to get back to who you were and where you were with God. He is all knowing and you can trust Him to lead you and guide you with love.
God bless you. Until next time,
